It's Not What I Expected - November 25, 2010

I did not expect to have such a difficult time with the idea of feeling better. If you've spent most of your life dwelling in the dark places (you know who you are out there) then coming out into the light is a truly scary experience and that's where I am right now. I'm feeling genuinely good since the August hospitalization. That is to say great emotionally. My cadre of doctors continue to tell me I should be dead and I swear I'm not making that up. Some marvel that I'm alive and some seem genuinely confused. One of them gets so sad about the whole mess that I wind up comforting him by saying I'm actually feeling a little worse for the wear. No one should feel compelled to comfort their doctor but then again they're human too. I always question which type of doctor I would prefer - a House type personality or the general doctor personality - 15 second perfunctory visit, glance at the chart and scarcely remembering who you are or what meds they've prescribed. Oh yeah, did have my mammogram yesterday which is tantamount to smashing my breasts between two bricks and being told to hold my breath while doing so. Despite have to have several films because as the tech so kindly said "your breasts are wrinkly so it makes getting the picture difficult."

Anyway, saw a total of six doctors this week. Can you believe it? I've developed a nasty side effect and so far no one has been able to figure out how to fix it. Stop reading now if you gross out easily. It's called fecal incontinence which means I have no sensation of having a bowl movement. I wear an adult diaper 24/7 and live in constant fear that this will happen while I'm out in public with only the smell to alert me. Talk about your hidden illness. I KNOW there are other people out there with this problem (thank you Dr. Oz) but like me its just not something discussed in polite company. I've even had a couple of doctors grimace when I talk about it. For now one doctor has me off ALL carbonated drinks for the next two weeks as a test. He thinks that carbonation can be a major trigger for severe diarrhea. I'm open to trying anything. I finally got over the agoraphobia and now this. Whine whine whine. The thing is the concept of not being depressed is so new to me that this latest physical issue gives me permission to drop right back into old habits - hiding out and staying in bed. After all who wouldn't be depressed about crapping all over themself without warning. Yikes! Still I'm fighting and living on Imodium and being hopeful the doctor is right about carbonation. But consider this...if a doctor told you you were dying but still said you should give up the foods and drinks you really enjoy would you? You life is shortened anyway so why try? I wrestle with this one every day.

I'm off to my son's and daughter-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner. He put himself through college as a cook and is fantastic at it. After so many years of making dinners it wonderful to have someone cook for me.