Friday, August 7, 2009

It's Hard to Keep A Good Blog Going

I haven't written in some time because I just didn't know what to say. How often can you complain and moan about being in pain without the reader thinking "shut up already." But somewhere out there is someone else going through what I am so I decided to keep writing. What makes me angriest is when my body betrays me. When you stand up you expect your legs to support you. Falling to the floor is simply not in the script. Unfortunately someone forgot to tell the person writing my script so when got up last night to go to the bathroom i fell to the floor. Since my husband was at work I had to lay there for awhile until I could get myself up. Body betrayal. It's a new term I've coined - body betrayal. I'm back to the screaming and moaning stage of this damn illness. I increased the Fentanyl patches but I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I completely understand what happened to Michael Jackson. I'm in so much pain I don't give a damn what may happen, just give me something to make the pain stop. This time it's my hands. My hands, my hands. How do you function without being able to use your hands? Each tap of the keyboard sends a shock up my fingers that demands I stop typing, stop lifting that glass, stop moving that fork. Had to stop writing. My fingers just wouldn't' allow me to continue.
Two days later - Last night things got bad. Each time I urned over in bed I screamed, actually screamed out loud. I pulled out every pain killer I had but I get afraid I'll mix and match too many pills so I only take so much. That means making the choice of pain vs. pills. Come daylight Herman (my dog) forced me out of bed with his need to be walked. I couldn't walk him but did manage to get him in the backyard and on a leash. That's the thing about a dog. He forces me to set pain aside, set myself aside and take care of him. I would have lain in bed until Stephen came home, afraid to move for fear of setting things off in my body. Despite all this there's been good news and interesting developments. I did a local radio show and talked about grants. It made me feel as if my experience and knowledge are of value to someone out there in the listening public. Believe it or not I was partnered with several rappers and we all really enjoyed each others knowledge. That came as a really big surprise to me. I figured what do I have to say that would be remotely of interest to these youth. Instead I really enjoyed their music and offered them some helpful suggestions about places to look for funding for music. I also talked a bit about the history of rap as I know. I was amazed at what they didn't know. It never ceases to amaze me how I can find connections when I turn off the occasional self pity faucet (hey it's only occasional) and take a good look. I also gave a brief speech at a celebration for the Americans with Disabilities Act conference. Fulfilling is an overused word but I really did enjoy getting out of the house and taking part.