Where I Want to Be In One Year

It's New Years Eve 2009 and I'm miserable. I have more bills than money, my health sucks and my husband can't find a job in the field he studied for. I am absolutely determined to change all this in the coming year. Now understand I don't mean I'm going to win the lottery or my husband will magically find a job. What I mean is I'm going to find a way to be satisfied with where I'm at. Remember I was told I was dying and had about 6 months to a year to live. The doctor ultimately admitted, although he had no explanation for it my lungs were better than he expected and I was functioning at 50%. He expected me to be much lower than that. People from everywhere sent me prayers and I did a fair amount of praying myself. Something changed me inside. Despite all that I've been miserable all day. I wait all month for my pension check and its gone before I get it. So I'm determined that in 2010 I'm going to get a handle on my money and figure out where its running off to. I'm going to adhere to a strict budget and give myself an allowance. I'm going to face the large amount of money that my medical bills take each month. Facing this means facing the illnesses the medicine takes care of and that's a tough one. Telling myself repeatedly that I'm better off than many doesn't work. I suspect it doesn't work for most people struggling through tough times. But I'm going to figure out how to get through this and will write about it here. As I've said before, I'm going to figure out who retired Susan is and that includes figuring out who Susan In Control is. I've been wrapped about this big rock for the past 3 years and its been rolling me instead of me rolling it.

Now don't get me wrong. There aren't going to be magic changes. I figure if at some point the Prozac starts working that's going to help alot. A big part of all this is that I've never failed at anything in my entire adult life. I've had set backs but failure is simply not a part of my thinking. I have to find a way to move beyond the failure of my business and move on to the original dream...the dream that drove me to work all night and go to college all day. It never went away. I just assumed it was too late to pursue it. Instead I got in touch with my college professor and asked a hard question. Is it too late for a 56 year old woman to become a published writer. He looked at me as if I lost my mind and said "Of Course Not!" So I'm going take his response and try to write just a little each day on the novel that's been rolling around inside my head for years. Cross your fingers for me that at the end of 2010 instead of frustration I'll have a completed novel.