Finding Time to Write

It's surprising how motivating it can be knowing people are actually reading what I write. I've switched around to writing first thing and then facing everything else I have to deal within the day. Rather than think of my writing as a self-pitying tirade I know (from the comments) that there are other's out there dealing with chronic illnesses so on I go. I've got a theory about some people who appear mentally ill and walk around talking to themselves and won't talk to others. I think they're in pain. Imagine having lupus or fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis and being unable to get the medical care or medicine that would help with that excruciating pain? The cold you're living in only makes it worse. Who would you trust to tell about the problem? It maybe a catch-22. The colder it gets the worse the problem.

I hate dealing with money. There never seems to be enough no matter how I try to slice up the month. Being on a fixed income from disability and pension check means there's nothing coming in in the future, no raise, no bonus, this is it. Since I'm only 56 its a long time to deal with one income. I know I'm luckier than so many since my pension and disability are based on the final income I received from NYS while working as an appointee. And I have my husbands income which I know will improve once the economy improves. But for this moment its not enough and I want to scream. Its my job to make the money thing work. He goes out the door each night and making the budget work is my job. I spent 8 HOURS going over bills and budgets and goddess knows what else and I still couldn't get it right. Where do people get their magic money at Christmas time? Do they max out their credit cards? Do they pick a bill they just don't pay? We don't even celebrate Christmas time anymore. The children are grown so its just a simple gift for one another. No tree because the cats would climb it and who knows what Herman would do to it. What baffles me even more are people who go shopping after Christmas. I'm talking about ordinary people. Where does that money come from? Do they wait to buy all their gifts? I know I think way too much about money and I don't know how to stop it. When you've had money and then you don't have money it can be positively painful. To go from a six figure salary to just being able to pay your bills messes with your head. I find myself looking at the tv and thinking "I bet Katie Couric takes a town car home. I bet Whoppi Goldberg doesn't worry about bills." Now Whoopi is one of my favorite movie stars and I know she came up through tough times. There are people you just have to give their props to. They deserve everything they get because they worked hard for it. Still its easy to get lost in the jealousy and hard to fight.

When my children were small I tried to give them these amazing Christmases which would practically bankrupt me. When Christmas was over I was usually left with a stack of bad checks and the fear of being arrested. I look back on that time and wonder what the hell got into me. I wanted to give them something better than I had which I guess everybody has tried to do. This morning I saw Sting talking about the exact same thing. His memories of how his childhood Christmases didn't match his expectations and how we don't recognize the reality of that. I have alot of respect for him saying that. Sometimes we only see these movie and rock stars as they are right now and not how they got here from there.

Tomorrow is foot doctor day. Since my toes went right and my foot went left the primary doctor says that's what happens to people with rheumatoid arthritis and there's nothing that can be done. I hope she's wrong. Even an orthotic for my sneaker would stop me from constantly falling over. Cross your fingers for me.