Bits and Pieces

I was watching this show called Hoarders on A&E. I think anyone who watched jumped up and cleaned off the kitchen table. It has that effect on you. Then I cleaned off the kitchen counters, then the top of the little freezer until things were basically cleaner. Its so strong the way things effect you when you think they have nothing to do with you. Somewhere buried deep inside you something is triggered and you dissolve in a torrent of tears.



My husband: My husband is a rock and I am his water. I am the water that constantly flows around him. Sometimes the water is slow and smooth, sometimes its a torrent, sometimes its a hurricane. These are metaphors for madness. Toss in my terrible physical health and you've got a very difficult person to live with and yet he stands firm against it all. I have times when he has to sponge bath me because I can't stand up long enough to take a shower. He puts on my compression stockings and then dresses me with pants and a shirt. He makes sure I take my 39 pills throughout the day. I'm deeply grateful and at times furious. No one wants to need a caretaker. I've tried to let go of the image of the strong woman I used to be who went to the gym at 5am every day and after being on weight lifting machines would speed walk to the gym, work out on the weight machines and then slowly walk back home for a cool down. I loved greeting each morning that way, seeing the sunrise, feeling the coolness of the wind on my skin. To have gone from that to having to use a seat In the bathroom so I can sit down safely and wash up makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs....WHERE IS THE WOMAN I USED TO BE!!!!! Now I do go to therapy and have a wonderful therapist whose been trying for two years to help me face the loss of who I used to me.

Wow...I started writing about how wonderful my husband is and slid into writing about how angry I am. This is certainly something in to consider at my next therapy session. Anyway, right now we're working on who "retired Susan" is. In many ways she's completely different from working Susan. We're all brainwashed think of retirement as hanging out on the golf course or sailing off on a cruise but the truth is far from it. I can't afford to do any of those things for starters. Retirement means you're on a fixed income. There'll be no more raises so your budget has to meet the fact that your locked in. It can be really scary. The other part is I was a type A worker moving at the speed of light. If you wanted something done that one else could do give it to Susan. I loved having that reputation. Going from Type A to sitting in an armchair is not my style. I loved wearing expensive business suits, going to meetings and talking about my weekend with my co-workers on Monday mornings. Before you say "there's still alot you can do" remember I'm retired AND disabled.



Since I've had enough of "self-pity retired Susan" I've started reaching out to non-profit organizations that can use my 25+ years of finding, writing, training, you name it, about grants. I found this great online thing called Volunteer Match. For instance I'm working on line with a group that needs help with their grant writing skills. For getting out of the house my daughter told me to "just put the damn diaper on" and leave the house. I had the idea of adding brightly coloured granny panties in case I finally had the car accident that all our mothers have been warning us about since we were old enough to drive. I joined another wonderful organization (the local chapter) called AAUW - Association of American University Women. Unfortunately I'm finding getting out of the house much harder. Between being too sick to get out of bed and being paralzyed by agrophobia I've missed two meetings. None the less I believe I can do this. I went to a writers group meeting at the library and was really I'm impressed with the calibar of writing and they like the beginning chapters of my novel. I'm not up to writing about that in my blog yet but I will hopefully be one day. So dear readers I'm trying. I figure if I write in my blog consistently it will force me to get healthier or at least sit up in bed. Hang in there with me and thanks for the encouraging comments.