Oprah's Last Words

Like so many people I watched Oprah's final show. Although I've enjoyed watching her over the years I never found it the life changing experience so many others testified to. Frankly I've gotten more inspiration and/or thought provoking from some of the lyrics in Lady Gaga's songs. But on her last show she talked about purpose - as in "we all have a purpose for being here." Now its not the first time I've heard that said but it is the first I stopped long enough to actually HEAR the meaning behind the words. My problem has always been how do you know your true purpose and what's the difference between hearing the workings of your own mind and actually hearing the truth of your own purpose for being here and no I'm not high. But watching my health take a nose dive over the past five years has left me alternately bitter, pissed-off, mad as hell and occasionally acquiesce. I'd think I'd caught a glimpse of my "purpose" but it would fade away just as quickly. I spent so many years climbing the ladder of achievement, so much energy and so much hope. Until the collapse of my small business I had never truly failed at anything in my adult life. I've had setbacks but never flat out failures. It took me more than a year to break out of my state of shock over it. It didn't matter that having a stroke in the middle of trying to get a business off the ground is pretty good excuse. My super type-A personality insists I relentlessly blame myself.

So I'm trying to figure out the reason for all that's happened in the last years and how it ultimately turns into a purpose. Each time I've been hospitalized I come to and a doctor says "You should be dead!" It's said with a tone that's incredulous, It's as if I do have a purpose and the universe won't let me go until I fulfill it. In the mean time it feels like I'm being pecked to death by chickens with each new hospitalization, each new diagnosis. I'm trying to figure out how to move from this stasis.

I fell again today. My husband sprinted over the bed and grabbed me preventing me from hitting the floor even harder. He never ceases to amaze me. When I was out in the world I had an intense dislike for people who whined or did the "poor me" dance. Now here I am doing the dance myself. I keep wondering exactly how I made the universe so angry. For those of you who have been hanging in there with me I'd like to think you've seen some movement forward from me. I'm working with a non-profit disability advocate group as a consumer advisor. Thank the Goddess for the Internet. It enables me to communicate with the outside world although I still can't leave the house. I'll be practicing getting in and out of my van this week. The first time I tried to climb into the driver's side I fell flat on my back because my legs wouldn't support the push off we all take for granted to get in a car. Walking up my inside steps and getting into the van are my two major goals for the next two weeks. Medicare will decide if I can continue having physical therapy and occupational therapy for another month soon but I've got to show progress. I think I do but the repeated falls to throw me backward.

And about the purpose thing - the caretakers tell me to slow down. Start the purpose search when I can walk without falling. Since I don't know when that may be its damn hard to be patient.