Living In The Shadows of Fear

I've been walking in the shadows of fear for three years now and its hard to believe. Ten yearsn ago I gave a speech to an audience of over 1,000 people. Afterward I was asked if I was afraid and I arrogantly replied "Yes but I did it anyway." The woman was astonished and said she couldn't imagine doing something like that. When I worked for the Governor of NYS I flew all over New York teaching about grants. I was usually alone and traveling alone when you're disabled is no picnic but I did it and then I retired and shortly thereafter became severely disabled. For me, being retired sucks. If you don't work you cease to exist, have nothing to discuss, see no one outside of your house. I lost my definition and worse I had no income. I knew that money mattered to me, was important to me but I'd forgotten how defined people are by their incomes. Without one I had no bargaining chip, nothing to negotiate with when talking to the telephone or electric company. In the space of three years I went from someone In a position of authority with a six figure income to someone begging and pleading for help, borrowing twenty dollars from a neighbor to buy groceries and I couldn't handle it.

At this moment in time I'm cracking up which is a polite way of saying I'm dancing on the head of a pin on the verge of falling off. I rarely leave the house because if I run into anyone I know they'll ask what I'm doing and I don't know what to say. "Well I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown but thanks to the work of a wonderful therapist I haven't been hospitalized yet. Why is this so damn hard? I've never failed at anything I've tried in my adult life. I've had set backs but hell we've all had set backs. So what is this, this fearfulness of failure? My daughter said that the primary reason most people go to college is to improve their income...period. She's absolutely right. Its certainly the reason I worked a full time night shift at the local psychiatric hospital and went to Vassar College full time days and yes it was hell thank you very much, but I did it anyway. Now to be fair to myself being disabled and in poor health really really sucks. I leave the house with enough equipment to start up a small war and that's not counting my little red scooter. Between my fear of actually needing the equipment and my fear of passing out somewhere without the appropriate medical notes readily available for a stranger to read I'm carrying some serious fear AND my large purple bag full of medical equipment. You can see why I've got issues. Nonetheless I've got to find a way to break out of this. My newest idea is to plan around errands. Since I seem to live at the pharmacy I'm trying to make going there the goal of the day. I figure if I can get over my agoraphobia I can move on to larger goals like reinventing myself and figuring out who "retired Susan" is. Stay tuned. The doctor now says he was wrong about my death time table and I actually have time to figure all this out. Not as much as most people but alot more than I initially thought.